He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30
Wow I had no clue what greater dependence on the Lord looked like. I thought I did but I had no clue. So what's changed? I transitioned from the market place to full time ministry within the context of the church.
And man oh man does the enemy hate that. He hates when we push towards our calling, he hates when we start to align our lives with our purpose and destiny and as my pastor once said, "when you're doing right, trouble will follow."
This has been an incredibly tough yet extremely encouraging season. It's been met with death, life, transformation, growth, joy, anguish, confusion, clarity and everything in between.
I like to think that the Christian journey, when done right, demands change, transformation and correction of the toughest and sometimes most confronting kind. And let's be honest, this can often be the enemies playground, using our thoughts against us which usually leads to questioning our qualification to answer the call. I have seen this fester into deep insecurity. So....the natural thing to do is ignore it, pretend you don't have these feelings because after all, comfortability and complacency are tough to fight when that fight comes.
In this past season, I've felt so broken and yet so alive at the same time. I've felt insignificant and yet so confident. I've questioned my identity, feeling the most unqualified I've ever felt, feeling the most stupid I've ever felt, feeling the most lost even while knowing that I'm exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I'm called to do.
Trying to figure out how I could reposition myself because even while we begin our lives in Christ by surrendering in the spirit we still try to make the process complete on our own. Trying to reposition ourselves to a level of control by closing our hands and taking hold of what should be the Lords. And yet we keep asking God to fill those same hands that are being preoccupied. If it weren't for being moved by the Holy Spirit, we couldn't have experienced God. So why do we start trying to experience Him, His mercy, His Gifts and His face on our own? Why do we forget every experience and encounter with God we have when we get stressed or feel broken down. In turn forgetting we need to call upon the spirit for comfort, for conviction, and to fill the voids (God gaps).
To be frank, I think it can sometimes be because Christianity can remind us of our imperfections. As we are on the operating table, as God is transforming our hearts we have to wrestle with the very thing being outworked within us. The very root of the things we are experiencing called feelings. Feelings that enemy tries to spin into lies and before we know it, we've forgotten to turn to God the author of truth and instead run online or to our friends to satisfy our flesh. We are much too prideful in our vulnerability so instead of running to God with our feelings so that he can transform them to truth, we run away from the conviction and allow the lies to take captive our thoughts.
Suffering, struggle, stress --> words that people think will be eradicated from their lives because they walked to the altar and said "I accept Jesus as my Lord and savior." It's funny because we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior and start viewing God through the lens of what He can do and what He can provide but not necessarily WHO He is!
I had to come to the realization that in questioning my identity and capability I was questioning God and His promise for me. He bought me at the highest price so who am I to say I'm worthless, He chose me so who am I to say He's wrong when it's GOD!! Who am I as the creation, to question God, the Creator. Allow God to fill the gaps.
When God places a mantel on your life. Walk boldly in that. Don't shy away from it claiming humility when it's actually a case of anxiety and fear!
Life is not all rainbows and butterflies but It is important to remember that everyday is the day that the Lord has made so we shall rejoice and be glad in it (I know.....super cheesy) but it's true. That's truly what has kept me going in the toughest of times.
But that's what's great about the Christian journey, it does reveal our imperfections but those imperfections are made perfect in the name of Jesus. Praise God for His mercy and His grace. He is so much bigger than insecurity, He is so much bigger than any anxiety, He's SO MUCH BIGGER. Praise Him in the midsts of the fire. Know that our God has always been greater.
Celebrate the realization that you are approved. Applaud because you know GOD HAS ALREADY APPROVED YOU! You're beautiful, amazing and strong! Carry that conviction with whatever may come!
Thanks for reading,